‘Mate’

If you’re ever more than friends with someone, you can never go back to being mates or good mates. One of you won’t try hard enough, the other will push the boundaries and things will be a little awkward between you for a while. Its not fun, and yet, it always seems to happen to me.

‘It’s not you, It’s me’, ‘i need to focus on myself’, ‘i don’t want to get hurt again’, ‘it happened last time, so it wont work with you’, ‘were such good mates’, you’re a great girl though’, these are just some of the things i’ve heard from guys in the past. Now, i can’t be bothered even trying. Because at the end of the day, the same thing will happen.

Although some of the ‘reasons’ are good, to not get an actual fact of the matter reason just leaves you wondering why? Don’y say you need to focus on you and then go get with someone else, that hurts more than being told straight up why we wouldn’t work.

Emotions are not something that I myself show other people very often. This is due to the fact that anyone at any stage could then have power over me, emotionally, and manipulate me in a way that makes me feel in the wrong when i shouldn’t.  It’s a bit of a crazy way to think, i know, but i don’t want to get hurt again and again and again, so i need to do something to protect myself.

Being hurt and growing from that is apart of life, but so is having someone to be there for you, and sharing memories and moments with them for a fairly large portion of your life. Still being young, I have plenty of time to find that person and for those things to happen. When you see all your friends however reaching milestones and getting engaged, married, buying a house, celebrating however many years together, it makes it harder to think that you will have those things. Why don’t i have that now, why aren’t i on the way to that already? Whats different to them than me? Its hard to accept those thing without feeling sad for yourself, that you don’t have it.

People say that your time will come, and to not worry about it, but when you have wanted those things from a young age, its hard to accept that others don’t want to get to know you that well, or they don’t appreciate you enough to be with you long term.

So far my experiences haven’t been the greatest. But in those experiences, I have realised that all these different people didn’t like me when, even when i would change myself a little bit for them. So from now on, I don’t need to be anyone else than myself. Yeah, you might not like some things about me, but its all or nothing and I won’t be changing just because you want me to.

Someone at some point will meet me and want to be with me for the person I am. It might take another couple of months, it might be a year away, but theres no point in stressing over it. Stressing will make it worse and make me feel bad about myself, which IS NOT happening!

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